Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
