If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
