john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
