Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
