This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
