he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
