Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
