Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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