I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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