My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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