There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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