I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
