when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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