i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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