Betty ford says i'm here all night
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
