My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
