i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
