1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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