Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
