hotel room ftw
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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