I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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