You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
