found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
