My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You can't motorboat a personality
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
