You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
