Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
