OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
