mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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