you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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