her facebook's as public as her vagina
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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