Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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