Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
