How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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