at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
