Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Panties = found
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
