My underwear smells like fireworks.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
