I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
