So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
