i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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