Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Bring me that man meat
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
