You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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