walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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