ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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