Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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