I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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