Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
