She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
