Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
you had me at cake vodka
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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