i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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