I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
