Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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