I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
