she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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