you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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